Staying Home-Me

Have you ever lost yourself? I mean truly lost sight of you. I think all women as wives and mothers we do at one point lose sight of ourselves. We are so busy trying to do things the right way. We want to be a good wife and mother. We want to get it perfect. We don't want to fail at the two most important jobs a woman can have a wife and mother. 

We waited to have children or I should say I waited to have children because I was into my own self-care. We married at 23 and my husband was ready then for children. I was not. Then at 25 the pressure seemed to be on from everyone and I still wasn't  ready. Finally at 27 I became pregnant. 

We decided I would leave my job and become a stay at home mom. I loved being a stay at home mom. However,  I stopped getting ready everyday, didn't wear nice clothes because I would get spit up on or with a boy there were times I would actually get ready and wouldn't you know it I got pee'd on. 

My two best friends stayed home too, but one lives in North Carolina and the other one had kids older than mine so getting together with them was not much of an option. I felt a little alone in this I gave up my career to stay home and not communicate with other grown-ups. 

I remember trying to explain it to my husband. He still was able to talk with adults daily. He got out of the house. I didn't.

I finally decided to join the Mom's Club a national organization for mom's and their children with playgroups, park days, field trips, mom's night out, etc. 

The first playgroup I was assigned (it is based on your child's age) I remember thinking, are you fucking kidding me! I had NOTHING in common with these women. One was a vegan, who looked at me in disgusted when she found out I didn't use cloth diapers. Playgroup was at her house that day and she was talking about how the previous playdate someone made jello and her daughter can't eat that it has gelatin which is animal based. Oh fuck! Really! This isn't going to work for me. I needed real people who were still normal. Luckily the playgroup split apart and I ended up with 5 ladies and their children that thankfully I could finally spend time with that I didn't feel judged for not using cloth diapers and my snack choice on play date day was alright. We didn't talk though about the real stuff. It was all on the surface.  

Three years later we had our daughter. I was still in Mom's Club and also in another one at a local church. I did always pull myself together appearance wise, my children always looked adorable because if they didn't wasn't I a shitty mom, but I always felt like something was missing; the real me. 

I stayed home for ten years. The best ten years of my life I do believe that. I was very lucky that we could live on one income for that long. 

I remember  getting me back though finally about 5 years ago. While I stayed home. Both kids were now in school. I had time to myself and I began to soul search. Spend time with me.  It is hilarious because my one best friend who has children older than mine tells me now, "I hated when you were in that Mom's Club phase." The reason she hated it is because for years I was trying to be perfect. My house was always clean, my kids were perfectly dressed even if I wasn't. I was pleasing my husband by letting him do his thing while I stayed home trying to be the perfect wife and mother. 

Once I started to have alone time slowly the old parts of me started to come back. The crazy, opinionated, I don't give a shit girl slowly started coming back. I didn't realize how much I had missed "Me". I have had some people say I am having a mid-life crisis even. It isn't that. They just met me when I was trying to be "perfect". I am finally me again and I am very happy to be here.