Drowning in your head

This is something that I don't talk about, but it's reality and I am a pretty open person and I figured that there is a reason I feel compelled to tell this about myself because I know I'm not the only one. For as long as I can remember I've suffered from anxiety and depression. I am NOT manic or bipolar, but I am sympathetic to people whom are. No one wants this. It just happens when you aren't really expecting it. If anything I suffer from anxiety much more than depression. When I have my depressed moments normally they are life induced or hormonal. 

I didn't just wake up one day and boom I started having anxiety. Nope. I have lived with it my whole life. Like most kids when I was young I got butterflies before the first day of school, but I had them a lot more frequent than the first day of school. I would get them as a kid just being called upon in class or if I was going to have to read out loud. I don't just get the butterflies either, I get clammy palms, my breathing is short and fast, and my mind races about everything and anything I am worried about. 

Most "normal" people have anxiety that is momentarily. Mine however spills over even into my sleep. First, I may lay in bed and my mind races about all I need to get done at home, at work, volunteering, etc. I worry about family and friends and what they have going on. Then I fall asleep and begin to dream about it. 

I remember about 8 years ago I was on the freeway with the kids and I started to have anxiety issues. The reason was I couldn't 100% protect my children from all the crappy drivers around us. I was having an anxiety attack while driving to the mall. Not good. In that moment I knew I needed help. I knew it was time to start some sort of medication. I had tried exercise and cutting out caffeine because I didn't want to be "crazy" and take meds, but I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. The anxiety was starting to stress me out daily. 

How do I explain anxiety to someone whom has never had it. Hmmmm....well it is a little like walking through a haunted house. You know at every twist and turn you may have someone or something jump out at you. Your heart is beating fast, your hands are clammy, your breathing gets a little faster. Then imagine the world closing in on you. While EVERY spare worry is floating around in your head. 

So 8 years ago I finally did it; I went to the doctor and started the meds. Omg! What a world of difference I felt. For the first time in my whole life my brain was quiet and not racing. (If you don't have anxiety issues you may not get that) I was able to not stress out about my family and friends. I was able to get a good nights rest. I could drive without worry. 

Oh I have hidden my anxiety from most people. I am not one who has an anxiety trigger talking to strangers or walking around at the mall. Mine is more I worry about the small things sometimes that most people wouldn't give second thought to. The best thing I ever did was start taking medication for my anxiety. My husband would agree. Lol I will always be medicated and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is nice to think clearly. It is nice to not feel like the world is closing in on me. 

As far as my depression triggers well like I said those are usually hormonal or major life events. I try to stay to myself because truthfully I don't want to talk about it or be around anyone. I want to just be. It usually only lasts a couple days and that to I have had my whole life. I get quiet. If you know me I am not quiet. My family usually will leave me to be me. Which I appreciate. My depression doesn't hinder my day to day life. I don't lay in bed all day. No, I still get up and function life like normal I am just withdrawn. 

So in making this public I hope I have helped just one person who feels they have anxiety or depression to reach out and get help. It is okay to take "crazy pills" because when it is all said and done we all are crazy in our own way. 

Said and Done

When it is all said and done and my final days have come. I hope that I will leave these things left in the minds of those I have known.

I would always be there when called upon, but never would I intrude. It isn't that I don't care, I just know I don't belong in certain life circumstances. 

I do take life serious, but I choose to laugh, find the good and positive in a situation. 

If I gave up on someone it wasn't because I didn't try, but more that I couldn't try anymore. Sometimes to grow we have to let go. As 2015 will soon be gone; I know it has been a year of change.

May your New Year be safe and may 2016 be everything you have hoped for. 

An Eye For the Phone

My names is Sasha and I am a Smartphone Addict. I have realized for the past five years I've been a slave to my phone. Of course there's the social media, there's texting , there's looking at Pinterest for countless hours for the perfect outfit I don't own or a recipe I may or may not make. It's a little sad when you depend on Facebook for your news source. I can't even tell you the last time I watched CNN or the local news. I've made friends with people through social media that I've never met in real life and quite possibly they could be bogus; I truthfully don't know. I have realized it's time to get back to reality and spend time with the people that love me. For who I am hot fucking mess and all.

My phone is in my hands most of the time. Unless I am at work and then I have it right next to me charging because one of my farm managers may need me for something and can text better than getting a call to go through. So since it is next to me I check texts, Facebook, and Instagram. I

never take breaks or leave my desk for lunch so I figure those little seconds of checking social media or replying to a text add up to break and a lunch. I can justify just about anything when it comes to my phone. (Hence addicted)

There are times I think about deleting Facebook, but then there are people I would truly miss. I have family and friends spread across the US and I do enjoy that I can share in their lives via Facebook. So I keep it. 

I do not talk on the phone anymore. The human connection does get a little lost when texting. Things  come across differently in text form then they do with an actual phone call. It is kinda sad when just yesterday my sister sent me a text ,"Can I call you?" I NEVER answer my phone and she knows it. So we had a 3 minute conversation, but we heard each other's voices and laughed a bit. 

I have been trying to leave my phone at home if we go out to eat as a family. So this way we can have a family conversation. Sometimes at home the four of us will sit with the TV on and each one of us has an iPhone or iPad in our hands. So I have been trying to keep mine charging in the other room instead of holding it. 

I know I am not the only one who is a slave to their phone. Maybe we can start some sort of group to help us with our phone addiction.  I say we meet next Wednesday. Who's in? Lol Anyway I guess there could be worse things I could be addicted to, but for now I am going to try and retrain myself to enjoy life around me. I have also learned I don't have to respond to a text right this second. Wait until the time is right. Wish me luck I will be taking this one day at a time. 

2015

Life fucking sucks sometimes. This year has had major ups and downs from the beginning of the year. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster since January and here now we are in December and I have never felt like I have been tested so much than this year of 2015. 

Now I could go into everything that has happened, but I really do not want to sound like a cry baby. I will only go into the major events.

What I will tell you is some people I have loved a great deal and I never told them in this life passed on. Yes, we all know life is not forever here on earth and each day is a gift, but when a parent is taken from young children and children are taken from parents life just doesn't seem fair at all. All we can hold onto is our faith that there is an afterlife that we will see those we love again. 

I ended a friendship with someone I had been friends with since I was 15. She was in my wedding. We were close, but as years have passed we have grown into two different people. I do not give two shits to ever speak to her again. Harsh? Not at all.  I do not care what the circumstances are; our friendship is over. I do not have time for people whom have no empathy or compassion for others. My life is too short for callous people. That is the one great thing about being an adult you can choose to walk away from people who are toxic and self-destructible. 

This year started without having certain people in my life and they have re-entered again due to special circumstances. I am grateful that we could put past issues to rest. We never spoke of it, but I know it is all water under the bridge. For that I am grateful. 

I also went from having 3 emotions . Happy, pissed, to fuck you. I have learned how to cry this year. I never liked to cry before because  it was a sign of weakness. I still don't love it and sometimes I don't even know what to do with it, but I let the tears roll. I have felt so many different emotions that are new to me this year i know for a fact I have grown emotionally and my emotional intelligence could help someone else's growth in the future. 

All I know is this year I will never forget. It has been full of growth, but also full of sorrow and sadness. I am hopeful that 2016 will bring all things great. That it will be a year of wonderful memories and spent with family and friends. 

ON/OFF

I love when people tell me I should have my own reality show. It has been told to me by more than a few people. It is beyond flattering, but I wouldn't do it. 

I am ON most of the time, but when I am OFF I take it very seriously. When I am ON I am pretty fucking hilarious. I also believe that, to know me is to love me , because that is what my 1st car license plate frame said. Well I went to get a second one that said, "Psycho Bitch From Hell!". Except I spelled Psycho wrong so I never did put it on my car. (Oh and yes I felt fucking stupid!) Oops , sorry my ADD just kicked in there. What? Squirrel, shiny, where? Back to when I am on. I am the life of the party. I am the good time girl! WOOHOO!!! LET'S PARTY!!!!! So anyway when I am ON I am the one who is the life of the party, I talk to everyone there, and I make a goodnight entertaining. 

When I am OFF. I get anti-social. I talk to few people. I like ....NO I love my alone time. My whole little family prefers for me to have my alone time. It is almost like a renewing of my attitude when I get hours to myself I get to refresh my mind, body, and spirit. 

When I talk about alone time I really mean alone time. I don't want even my BFF to hang with me. Just me, myself, and I. This is true to why I do not work Friday's. They are my day to choose to do what I like. Some days I get a mani, pedi, massage, and relax. Some days I clean house while I have no disruptions. Some I go shopping for only me and treat myself to whatever I want (that is why I work). Last, but not least some days I stay in yoga pants and chill all day, take a nap, and just breath. 

So I pretty much think if I had my own reality show it would be boring. Most of the time my life is mundane and I can be aloof. That no one wants to watch. People like the ON me. I am pretty sure if people saw me as the anti-social person I can be they would find me so incredibly boring I'd lose my fan base. Did I just call you fans!? Lmfao Shit! I really must think I am a big fucking deal! 😜 

Just one of those weeks

Have you ever had one of those weeks that you've thought "Are you fucking kidding me?" 

Monday my boss was pissy with me and I could tell. I had taken time off the week prior during harvest and that wasn't such a good idea. Especially since it was to take time off for my side business and I went to the beautiful Orange County. We had to have one of those, "Come to Jesus" talks and then everything was good. 

Tuesday, I decide since my husband was moving farm equipment, I would  do the grilling on the BBQ. 

Okay, so I have never claimed to be a great Grill Master. I have always started the propane grill and shut the lid to get all the little crunchie's off. Well apparently that is not what you should do. As I am helping my daughter with homework I notice black smoke coming from the backyard. I go out there and sure as shit the grill is on fire. Black smoke is billowing up into the air, flames are shooting out of the BBQ. I stand there for a moment and think,"Fuck! What do I do?" They say for a grease fire don't use water so I am standing there like a dumb ass debating if I should get the hose. I know it isn't a grease fire so the water should be okay. Still not sure I call my husband. He is telling me get the hose and move the BBQ from house. Um, well, it is too hot to move....this mother fucker is on fire! I did manage to turn the burners off, but those little crunchie's on the bottom were on fire big time!  I grab the hose and start dosing the BBQ. By the time my husband gets home the fire is out, but where he just painted the house last week will need fresh paint. The paint on the BBQ is curled and messed up too. 

Wednesday went okay nothing major there. Just a typical hump day. However it would have been better if I had gotten humped! Lmfao

Thursday.... During harvest time one of my job duties is to take pictures of the team members while they do their specific job. Before I head out to the ranch I start to feel nauseous, a little shaky, and just not to great. I have a driver to take me around the ranch because I would get lost if I drove around out there by myself.  As we are driving I am thinking I am going to have to yell "Alto" because I am going to lose the 1/2 of turkey sandwich I had eaten before I went out there. We end up getting finished when the guys start lunch and I am thankful. Done for the day. I get in my car to head back to the office. Reverse. BOOM! I hit a mother fucking power pole! Seriously!!! How fucking embarrassing. At this point I am out. I feel sick and I now have fucked up my drivers side rear whatever it is called. 

I start to head home. On the drive home I have to pull over because I get sick. Okay so it is either the turkey sandwich, I am like a little kid and got car sick, or I have West Nile Virus! 

Later that night I text my boss, "How's the pole?" His reply,"It is still crying!" Oh good! He is finding this funny! I am not getting fired! 

Here we are now at Friday morning. I am laying here in bed writing this with a cup of coffee thinking how it all could be so much worse. The house could have burned down and we could be homeless. No bright side of the coin on the backing into the pole. That just blows! My car is now at the auto body place and I have to pay $1,000 deductible which my husband says I will have to pay back in sexual favors. (Not hurting my feelings there) 

So I am thanking  you for letting me whine about my week. May you have a safe and fun weekend & have a cocktail this evening,"It is Friday Bitches! " 

Bullying: How do we change it?

Today's world and bullying has gotten so out of hand. It is almost scary to send your kids to school knowing there are bullies out there. 

There are four types of bullying that are common today: 

Verbal Bullying : Name calling, threatening, and making comments about someone else's attributes. 

Physical Bullying: Hitting, punching, slapping, touching someone else in inappropriate ways.

Relational Bullying: Causing harm through damage to one's relationship or social status.

Cyber Bullying: Takes place with the use of electronic devises. Cyber bullying can take place 24/7 through messages, posting pictures on social media sites. 

We've all been bullied at some point in life.  When my son was in elementary school he kept complaining about a kid who would call him names, but when I was around them this kid was so respectful to me I thought my son was overreacting. My son complained for a few years. Once in  junior high the bully would bump into my son, make comments, and over all was harassing my son on a daily basis. One day they were playing football at school and my son finally had had it. They got into an altercation and it ended up in a suspension. No one was badly hurt, but the bully stopped picking on my son. Word in our small town had spread about the fight. I received messages on Facebook and texts from other parents how the bully had also tormented their children.

Just last week I had heard of a girl at a local high school who had a similar circumstance as my son and the dad taught his daughter how to fight. She and the bully got into a physical altercation and the bully ended up getting her ass kicked. The victim of the bullying ended up going to juvenile hall. No one wins here. We have to change how things are happening. 

In order for bullying to stop where do we start as a society to help the bully change his/her behavior? The boy that was bullying my son came from a broken home. Not much of a father figure in his life. Not a lot of money. In my opinion he is angry and was taking his aggressions out on the other children in school because he could get away with it. It made him feel powerful where in his family life he was probably not. 

We need to communicate. 

Communication is key for most everything in life. For there to be resolution we have to talk about bullying with our children. Make sure they know that is isn't okay to tyrannize others. We need to talk to our children's teachers, principals, and other administration and the bully has to know there will be consequences for their actions. 

If your child is a victim of bullying for several years you may want to seek counseling. Being bullied is abuse and can wreak havoc on the mental psyche. Don't just dismiss bullying as kids will be kids because in this day and age kids see and experience far more than they did 50 years ago. 

The point I am trying to make here is that we as a society have to change the way we are handling bullying. We need to communicate with our children and teach them that if they see bullying to speak up. They do not have to call the bully out, but they can report it to school administration . If bullies aren't stopped sadly they may grow up to be bullies in the work place, abusive partners, or even worse mentally or physically abusive to their own children.  

Staying Home-Me

Have you ever lost yourself? I mean truly lost sight of you. I think all women as wives and mothers we do at one point lose sight of ourselves. We are so busy trying to do things the right way. We want to be a good wife and mother. We want to get it perfect. We don't want to fail at the two most important jobs a woman can have a wife and mother. 

We waited to have children or I should say I waited to have children because I was into my own self-care. We married at 23 and my husband was ready then for children. I was not. Then at 25 the pressure seemed to be on from everyone and I still wasn't  ready. Finally at 27 I became pregnant. 

We decided I would leave my job and become a stay at home mom. I loved being a stay at home mom. However,  I stopped getting ready everyday, didn't wear nice clothes because I would get spit up on or with a boy there were times I would actually get ready and wouldn't you know it I got pee'd on. 

My two best friends stayed home too, but one lives in North Carolina and the other one had kids older than mine so getting together with them was not much of an option. I felt a little alone in this I gave up my career to stay home and not communicate with other grown-ups. 

I remember trying to explain it to my husband. He still was able to talk with adults daily. He got out of the house. I didn't.

I finally decided to join the Mom's Club a national organization for mom's and their children with playgroups, park days, field trips, mom's night out, etc. 

The first playgroup I was assigned (it is based on your child's age) I remember thinking, are you fucking kidding me! I had NOTHING in common with these women. One was a vegan, who looked at me in disgusted when she found out I didn't use cloth diapers. Playgroup was at her house that day and she was talking about how the previous playdate someone made jello and her daughter can't eat that it has gelatin which is animal based. Oh fuck! Really! This isn't going to work for me. I needed real people who were still normal. Luckily the playgroup split apart and I ended up with 5 ladies and their children that thankfully I could finally spend time with that I didn't feel judged for not using cloth diapers and my snack choice on play date day was alright. We didn't talk though about the real stuff. It was all on the surface.  

Three years later we had our daughter. I was still in Mom's Club and also in another one at a local church. I did always pull myself together appearance wise, my children always looked adorable because if they didn't wasn't I a shitty mom, but I always felt like something was missing; the real me. 

I stayed home for ten years. The best ten years of my life I do believe that. I was very lucky that we could live on one income for that long. 

I remember  getting me back though finally about 5 years ago. While I stayed home. Both kids were now in school. I had time to myself and I began to soul search. Spend time with me.  It is hilarious because my one best friend who has children older than mine tells me now, "I hated when you were in that Mom's Club phase." The reason she hated it is because for years I was trying to be perfect. My house was always clean, my kids were perfectly dressed even if I wasn't. I was pleasing my husband by letting him do his thing while I stayed home trying to be the perfect wife and mother. 

Once I started to have alone time slowly the old parts of me started to come back. The crazy, opinionated, I don't give a shit girl slowly started coming back. I didn't realize how much I had missed "Me". I have had some people say I am having a mid-life crisis even. It isn't that. They just met me when I was trying to be "perfect". I am finally me again and I am very happy to be here. 

Lol

Am I the only person that feels like a lol (laugh out loud) response to a text is really translated as I don't care or yes I looked, but wasn't impressed. Is it really a blow off text? Is it an I want to respond at least, but I could have lived without reading or seeing that? 

Now a LMAO (laughing my ass off) I think gets a giggle and a Rotflmfao (rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off) was truly a belly laugh out loud moment. 

Personally I would much rather text than talk on the phone. I try not to do a lol response, but sometimes I am busy and yes I do reply with it. 

So my question to you this morning is how do you feel about lol? I believe it is over used and sometimes not even the correct response. 

Have a great day and as my niece Aubree (whom is four) would say, "Peace Out Bitches!" 

That Guy

I'm one of those personalities that definitely people either love or hate me, but most people love me, but there's those few select (we'll call them prudes or stuffy fucks) that do not like me because my personality is well a bit over-the-top.  I don't sugarcoat shit. I'm opinionated and I don't care if you like my opinion or not because it's my opinion. I will tell you like it is. Basically what I'm thinking in my head generally comes out my mouth.   Here's just a current example of one of those moments where what I'm thinking comes out of my mouth. So I'm at this fundraiser and I'm sitting with three guy friends or I should say two of them are friends this one I don't even know I've never even met him, but he's that guy in town that's going through a divorce all the single women think he is the catch of the day. I am sitting conversing with the guys (whom are all single guys in town) I am not interested in not one. I am just that female whom looks girly, but I have the mentality and a mouth of a man. Anyway, back to the story at hand.  They are all eating their fajita dinner and I am chatting. All of a sudden single guy whom let me paint a little picture of him for you; dresses nice, hair is perfectly in place, has perfect Chiclet teeth. Probably a catch if you're into that sort of guy. Cute if you're into that, but not my type at all. Too "perfect" something has got to be wrong under the surface or little dick. 

Ok,ok, back to it....So as we are sitting there all of a sudden "perfect looking single guy" starts licking , no sucking each one of his fingers and then his thumb. Instantly what comes out of my mouth is "what are you doing?"he looks at me in shock and he says," what?" I then replied, "You're licking each finger and then your thumb in public at fundraiser, use your napkin! WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!? If you're eating ribs I kinda get it, but at a fundraiser dinner of fajitas, beans, rice. WTF???? 

After that needless to say the guy didn't say much to me. Did I make a lasting impression? You bet your ass I did! Lol and that in a nutshell is a little bit of me.