Drowning in your head

This is something that I don't talk about, but it's reality and I am a pretty open person and I figured that there is a reason I feel compelled to tell this about myself because I know I'm not the only one. For as long as I can remember I've suffered from anxiety and depression. I am NOT manic or bipolar, but I am sympathetic to people whom are. No one wants this. It just happens when you aren't really expecting it. If anything I suffer from anxiety much more than depression. When I have my depressed moments normally they are life induced or hormonal. 

I didn't just wake up one day and boom I started having anxiety. Nope. I have lived with it my whole life. Like most kids when I was young I got butterflies before the first day of school, but I had them a lot more frequent than the first day of school. I would get them as a kid just being called upon in class or if I was going to have to read out loud. I don't just get the butterflies either, I get clammy palms, my breathing is short and fast, and my mind races about everything and anything I am worried about. 

Most "normal" people have anxiety that is momentarily. Mine however spills over even into my sleep. First, I may lay in bed and my mind races about all I need to get done at home, at work, volunteering, etc. I worry about family and friends and what they have going on. Then I fall asleep and begin to dream about it. 

I remember about 8 years ago I was on the freeway with the kids and I started to have anxiety issues. The reason was I couldn't 100% protect my children from all the crappy drivers around us. I was having an anxiety attack while driving to the mall. Not good. In that moment I knew I needed help. I knew it was time to start some sort of medication. I had tried exercise and cutting out caffeine because I didn't want to be "crazy" and take meds, but I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. The anxiety was starting to stress me out daily. 

How do I explain anxiety to someone whom has never had it. Hmmmm....well it is a little like walking through a haunted house. You know at every twist and turn you may have someone or something jump out at you. Your heart is beating fast, your hands are clammy, your breathing gets a little faster. Then imagine the world closing in on you. While EVERY spare worry is floating around in your head. 

So 8 years ago I finally did it; I went to the doctor and started the meds. Omg! What a world of difference I felt. For the first time in my whole life my brain was quiet and not racing. (If you don't have anxiety issues you may not get that) I was able to not stress out about my family and friends. I was able to get a good nights rest. I could drive without worry. 

Oh I have hidden my anxiety from most people. I am not one who has an anxiety trigger talking to strangers or walking around at the mall. Mine is more I worry about the small things sometimes that most people wouldn't give second thought to. The best thing I ever did was start taking medication for my anxiety. My husband would agree. Lol I will always be medicated and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is nice to think clearly. It is nice to not feel like the world is closing in on me. 

As far as my depression triggers well like I said those are usually hormonal or major life events. I try to stay to myself because truthfully I don't want to talk about it or be around anyone. I want to just be. It usually only lasts a couple days and that to I have had my whole life. I get quiet. If you know me I am not quiet. My family usually will leave me to be me. Which I appreciate. My depression doesn't hinder my day to day life. I don't lay in bed all day. No, I still get up and function life like normal I am just withdrawn. 

So in making this public I hope I have helped just one person who feels they have anxiety or depression to reach out and get help. It is okay to take "crazy pills" because when it is all said and done we all are crazy in our own way.