Drowning in your head

This is something that I don't talk about, but it's reality and I am a pretty open person and I figured that there is a reason I feel compelled to tell this about myself because I know I'm not the only one. For as long as I can remember I've suffered from anxiety and depression. I am NOT manic or bipolar, but I am sympathetic to people whom are. No one wants this. It just happens when you aren't really expecting it. If anything I suffer from anxiety much more than depression. When I have my depressed moments normally they are life induced or hormonal. 

I didn't just wake up one day and boom I started having anxiety. Nope. I have lived with it my whole life. Like most kids when I was young I got butterflies before the first day of school, but I had them a lot more frequent than the first day of school. I would get them as a kid just being called upon in class or if I was going to have to read out loud. I don't just get the butterflies either, I get clammy palms, my breathing is short and fast, and my mind races about everything and anything I am worried about. 

Most "normal" people have anxiety that is momentarily. Mine however spills over even into my sleep. First, I may lay in bed and my mind races about all I need to get done at home, at work, volunteering, etc. I worry about family and friends and what they have going on. Then I fall asleep and begin to dream about it. 

I remember about 8 years ago I was on the freeway with the kids and I started to have anxiety issues. The reason was I couldn't 100% protect my children from all the crappy drivers around us. I was having an anxiety attack while driving to the mall. Not good. In that moment I knew I needed help. I knew it was time to start some sort of medication. I had tried exercise and cutting out caffeine because I didn't want to be "crazy" and take meds, but I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. The anxiety was starting to stress me out daily. 

How do I explain anxiety to someone whom has never had it. Hmmmm....well it is a little like walking through a haunted house. You know at every twist and turn you may have someone or something jump out at you. Your heart is beating fast, your hands are clammy, your breathing gets a little faster. Then imagine the world closing in on you. While EVERY spare worry is floating around in your head. 

So 8 years ago I finally did it; I went to the doctor and started the meds. Omg! What a world of difference I felt. For the first time in my whole life my brain was quiet and not racing. (If you don't have anxiety issues you may not get that) I was able to not stress out about my family and friends. I was able to get a good nights rest. I could drive without worry. 

Oh I have hidden my anxiety from most people. I am not one who has an anxiety trigger talking to strangers or walking around at the mall. Mine is more I worry about the small things sometimes that most people wouldn't give second thought to. The best thing I ever did was start taking medication for my anxiety. My husband would agree. Lol I will always be medicated and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is nice to think clearly. It is nice to not feel like the world is closing in on me. 

As far as my depression triggers well like I said those are usually hormonal or major life events. I try to stay to myself because truthfully I don't want to talk about it or be around anyone. I want to just be. It usually only lasts a couple days and that to I have had my whole life. I get quiet. If you know me I am not quiet. My family usually will leave me to be me. Which I appreciate. My depression doesn't hinder my day to day life. I don't lay in bed all day. No, I still get up and function life like normal I am just withdrawn. 

So in making this public I hope I have helped just one person who feels they have anxiety or depression to reach out and get help. It is okay to take "crazy pills" because when it is all said and done we all are crazy in our own way. 

Said and Done

When it is all said and done and my final days have come. I hope that I will leave these things left in the minds of those I have known.

I would always be there when called upon, but never would I intrude. It isn't that I don't care, I just know I don't belong in certain life circumstances. 

I do take life serious, but I choose to laugh, find the good and positive in a situation. 

If I gave up on someone it wasn't because I didn't try, but more that I couldn't try anymore. Sometimes to grow we have to let go. As 2015 will soon be gone; I know it has been a year of change.

May your New Year be safe and may 2016 be everything you have hoped for. 

An Eye For the Phone

My names is Sasha and I am a Smartphone Addict. I have realized for the past five years I've been a slave to my phone. Of course there's the social media, there's texting , there's looking at Pinterest for countless hours for the perfect outfit I don't own or a recipe I may or may not make. It's a little sad when you depend on Facebook for your news source. I can't even tell you the last time I watched CNN or the local news. I've made friends with people through social media that I've never met in real life and quite possibly they could be bogus; I truthfully don't know. I have realized it's time to get back to reality and spend time with the people that love me. For who I am hot fucking mess and all.

My phone is in my hands most of the time. Unless I am at work and then I have it right next to me charging because one of my farm managers may need me for something and can text better than getting a call to go through. So since it is next to me I check texts, Facebook, and Instagram. I

never take breaks or leave my desk for lunch so I figure those little seconds of checking social media or replying to a text add up to break and a lunch. I can justify just about anything when it comes to my phone. (Hence addicted)

There are times I think about deleting Facebook, but then there are people I would truly miss. I have family and friends spread across the US and I do enjoy that I can share in their lives via Facebook. So I keep it. 

I do not talk on the phone anymore. The human connection does get a little lost when texting. Things  come across differently in text form then they do with an actual phone call. It is kinda sad when just yesterday my sister sent me a text ,"Can I call you?" I NEVER answer my phone and she knows it. So we had a 3 minute conversation, but we heard each other's voices and laughed a bit. 

I have been trying to leave my phone at home if we go out to eat as a family. So this way we can have a family conversation. Sometimes at home the four of us will sit with the TV on and each one of us has an iPhone or iPad in our hands. So I have been trying to keep mine charging in the other room instead of holding it. 

I know I am not the only one who is a slave to their phone. Maybe we can start some sort of group to help us with our phone addiction.  I say we meet next Wednesday. Who's in? Lol Anyway I guess there could be worse things I could be addicted to, but for now I am going to try and retrain myself to enjoy life around me. I have also learned I don't have to respond to a text right this second. Wait until the time is right. Wish me luck I will be taking this one day at a time. 

2015

Life fucking sucks sometimes. This year has had major ups and downs from the beginning of the year. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster since January and here now we are in December and I have never felt like I have been tested so much than this year of 2015. 

Now I could go into everything that has happened, but I really do not want to sound like a cry baby. I will only go into the major events.

What I will tell you is some people I have loved a great deal and I never told them in this life passed on. Yes, we all know life is not forever here on earth and each day is a gift, but when a parent is taken from young children and children are taken from parents life just doesn't seem fair at all. All we can hold onto is our faith that there is an afterlife that we will see those we love again. 

I ended a friendship with someone I had been friends with since I was 15. She was in my wedding. We were close, but as years have passed we have grown into two different people. I do not give two shits to ever speak to her again. Harsh? Not at all.  I do not care what the circumstances are; our friendship is over. I do not have time for people whom have no empathy or compassion for others. My life is too short for callous people. That is the one great thing about being an adult you can choose to walk away from people who are toxic and self-destructible. 

This year started without having certain people in my life and they have re-entered again due to special circumstances. I am grateful that we could put past issues to rest. We never spoke of it, but I know it is all water under the bridge. For that I am grateful. 

I also went from having 3 emotions . Happy, pissed, to fuck you. I have learned how to cry this year. I never liked to cry before because  it was a sign of weakness. I still don't love it and sometimes I don't even know what to do with it, but I let the tears roll. I have felt so many different emotions that are new to me this year i know for a fact I have grown emotionally and my emotional intelligence could help someone else's growth in the future. 

All I know is this year I will never forget. It has been full of growth, but also full of sorrow and sadness. I am hopeful that 2016 will bring all things great. That it will be a year of wonderful memories and spent with family and friends.